Three things bother us in the UK: Immigration, crime… and potholes


WE don’t hear a lot nowadays about the Liberal Democrats, and now I do know why.

All six of them have been extraordinarily busy behind the scenes, counting potholes.

And they not too long ago introduced that in the UK, now we have 556,658 of the rattling things.

Which may be very almost one for each immigrant.

We prefer to suppose that Africa’s roads are dangerous, however I drove by way of Senegal the different day and it was like rolling over the marbled ground of a billionaire’s snooker room.

When a Swiss watchmaker needs to explain his new product, he’ll say: “It’s as perfect as a Senegalese motorway.”

Things are very completely different right here.

Every different day we examine some poor soul whose life has been turned the wrong way up, typically actually, after hitting a crater in the street.

Swivel-eyed lunatics

Only this week, a single mum referred to as Alisha Howe was hospitalised after her Ford flipped as a result of it hit a pothole in Northamptonshire.

Last 12 months, I smashed right into a gap so huge there have been dinosaurs dwelling at the backside of it, and it felt like my backbone had momentarily appeared out of the high of my head.

Two tyres have been destroyed by the influence, and since they have been made in a manufacturing unit in Ukraine, I needed to wait three months for replacements.

There’s one street close to the place I reside which doesn’t have any potholes, as a result of they will solely type when there’s an precise street floor. And there isn’t. It’s gone.

Endless years of rain and frost and visitors turned it right into a type of gravel, and now that’s been washed away.

Will it ever be repaired? Doubt it. Not when the native council is on a everlasting pronoun consciousness awayday.

Last 12 months, the Welsh authorities forked out £1.1million in compensation to 1 one that was injured by a pothole.

In Hampshire, the county council is going through 1,175 harm claims.

The AA says it acquired 52,000 street surface-related callouts, which is a 29 per cent bounce from the 12 months earlier than.

To make issues worse, fashionable automobiles with all their security options are heavy.

Especially in the event that they use batteries to maneuver about.

Which means they want agency suspension to maintain them vaguely stage.

Cratered street

And agency suspension is strictly what you don’t want on a cratered street.

We are advised that the value of mending the nation’s potholes is £14billion, and that cash-strapped councils can’t presumably afford a invoice that huge.

I’ve steered in the previous that individuals must be allowed to fix potholes themselves.

And Rod Stewart famously did simply that close to his residence in Essex final 12 months. But that is frowned upon by councils.

Especially these run by swivel-eyed lunatics who suppose automobiles are the work of Satan and that driving one to work will trigger an extinction-level occasion.

But I feel that in case you’re a wholesome, taxpaying citizen with a job and a household, solely three things are actually bothering you at the second.

Immigration. Crime. And potholes.

So one thing needs to be completed about it, and I’ve an thought.

We do what the Senegalese have completed. And the Rwandans, for that matter.

We give the Chinese all the mineral rights to what lies beneath our ft — to allow them to have the coal we don’t need anyway.

And in change, they set up an entire new street community. Simples.

App has turned me right into a twit-cher

SO far this week I’ve walked into two timber, an electrical fence and a rabbit gap.

This is as a result of I’ve simply put in an app on my cellphone referred to as Merlin, and it’s the smartest thing ever.

It listens out for chook track then tells you in actual time what you’re listening to.

So I simply stroll alongside all the time glued to the display, saying: “Wow, a dunnock.”

After a few days, I advised a cameraman who works on the farm present all about it and this morning, whereas listening to a barn swallow, we walked into one another.

Cruel residence fact

RESIDENTS at the Abbeyfield outdated individuals’s residence in my native village have been summoned to the widespread room not too long ago and advised the residence can now not be operated “sustainably”.

So it is going to be closed down.

One poor chap, who’s blind and in his nineties, burst into tears.

Abbeyfield is registered as a charity that was based by a battle hero and a pal of Mother Teresa, the late Richard Carr-Gomm.

He seems like he was a really respectable man and I’m unsure he would have been particularly thrilled to listen to individuals in one in every of his houses are to be booted out.

I’m certain there are monetary issues in making the property meet idiotic inexperienced vitality targets.

But absolutely, these could possibly be sorted out with a few bring-and-buy occasions and a chat with the residents’ households and family members.

I HAVE a message this morning to the militant vegans who kidnapped three spring lambs from a farm in Norfolk this week.

I’ll kill and eat a sprig of asparagus each hour, on the hour, till they’re launched.

Newts simply in

A NEWT with satan horns and a racing stripe down its again has been found in Thailand.

And now researchers are saying it’s already going through extinction.

How do they know? If it’s solely simply been found, it will probably’t ever have been quite common.

Maybe the reverse is true. It’s simply been created and quickly there will likely be hundreds of thousands of them.

Hug a thug crime

AN all-points bulletin was issued by crack police commanders in Chipping Norton this week after a person was seen behaving surprisingly at our Diddly Squat farm store.

Hurriedly I checked our CCTV footage and, certain sufficient, at 6.36 in the morning, a person pulled up in what police described as a “grey saloon”, however which was truly a Mercedes CLS500 with AMG wheels.

It stopped. And then it lurched forwards. And then it stopped once more.

And then the passenger door was flung open, and a canine jumped out. Before it lurched ahead once more.

Eventually, a person emerged from behind the wheel, carrying a bottle of prosecco.

He tried the doorways of the store earlier than eradicating the cork and spraying the contents over his Mercedes.

He then climbed on to its roof and did a dance, inflicting appreciable harm, earlier than realising he’d run out of booze.

So he tried the locked door to the room the place we maintain the Hawkstone lager, earlier than participating in a frantic seek for the key.

And then, when he was discovered by a member of workers, he requested for a hug.

Yup. This is crime in the Cotswolds. A person sprays prosecco throughout the place, does a dance on his Mercedes, and then asks for a hug.

A excessive – then it’s bye

A   NEW zombie drug referred to as xylazine is sweeping the nation, and it’s onerous to see why.

When you watch somebody munching their method by way of a sherry trifle at 4 in the morning or chatting endlessly about themselves to strangers outdoors a nightclub, you possibly can type of see the enchantment of what they’ve taken.

But xylazine is completely different.

It causes extraordinarily painful pores and skin ulcers, then it paralyses you and you then die.

It’s onerous to see why anybody would watch somebody taking that, then suppose: “Mmmm. That looks like fun.”


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